Just like a circus....

Last night, my mom and sisters and I went to the Ringling Brothers Circus. We got Emily tickets there as a birthday present, because ever since Emily was little, she's loved clowns and monkeys and all of that.

I like circuses all right. I read the book Water For Elephants, which in some ways made me never want to go to a circus again.
By the way, if you've never read that book, read it! It's super bizarre, very intense as far as violence and sex goes, and yet still one of the greatest books I've ever read. It gives good insight into the circus back in the 1930's and just how cruel circuses were/are to animals and humans.
Water For Elephants, however, gives Ringling a good wrap. Ringling Bro's circus has been known for their superb treatment of animals so I didn't feel too bad going last night :)

I am just a nervous wreck when it comes to watching people perform dangerous stunts. In Donald Miller's book Searching For God Knows What, he describes going to the circus as a kid and getting so nervous watching the tight-rope walkers. I feel the exact same way. Watching acrobats and things like that is rarely enjoyable for me.
I'd rather sit, cringing and squinting, hoping that maybe that will help them not fall. My heart races and I get all stressed out. And my sisters are like "Please. He does this for a living."

I've always been one to worry, and entertaining shows don't change that in me. I sit at the edge of my seat, I pray for performers, I expect bad things to happen. In my mind I say "Please don't fall, please don't fall..." over and over.

I'm just waiting for God to give me children who climb all over everything. Watch my hair go gray from stress by age 30.


I did like the tigers. They were caged in, so I wasn't stressed that they would pounce on the audience. And for some reason, I felt comfortable as I watched the trainer work with them. He was highly outnumbered, but in total control.
Tigers are just beautiful creatures. My pal Chuckie and I have an ongoing debate over who would win in a fight, a lion or a tiger.
I KNOW a tiger would because of reading I've done on tigers. They are, by nature, killing machines. They are quicker on their feet and extremely ferocious.
I read a book called Life of Pi (another good read) about this boy from India and his parents owned a zoo there. One day, they got a tiger in the zoo. The boy's father took him and his brother near the cage and told them "Never come near this animal. He is the most dangerous animal in the world." And to make his point more clear, he threw a goat in the cage and made the boys watch the tiger tear it apart.
Still, tigers fascinate me. And if they weren't so fierce, I'd like to have one.

I have this list of things I want to do in Heaven. It's probably totally sacrilegious, to have an agenda for when I get there. But I want to do things there that I am too scared to do on earth- like skydive.
I also want to have pet tigers. I think that stems from my childhood desire to be an Arabian princess like Jasmine. I sort of hope that my mansion in Heaven is like Jasmine's. And, if the Bible is right and we do become princes and princesses in Heaven, I want to be an Arabian princess and have tigers. Orange and white tigers. :) I've already started thinking of names. And you guys are all invited over any time to pet them.

Not sure what to title it.

So I have this phrase I came up with, I write it in my journals a lot.
It'll probably become my signature quote, heh. But it's this:

The greatest feeling in the world is knowing God exists.
The second greatest feeling in the world is knowing He really does love us.
And the third greatest feeling in the world is knowing that He really is in control.

Certain events pop into my life that make that so evident.

I am in Tucson now at our vacation house with my mom, sisters, aunts, grandma, and 4 little girl cousins. We drove here on Friday.
Well, as we pulled into our house at like 1am, I got a text from Randy. So I'm like great....what did I do this time? I am so not in the mood to have a text fight again.

It said, and I quote:
"Hey I'm really sorry for everything. I'm a huge douche. I shouldn't of said that crap to you and you didn't deserve it. I hope we can still have a good relationship and be honest with each other. Have fun in Arizona. Love you."

My two thoughts were "WOW." and "What brought this on? Why is he suddenly apologizing? What happened?"

Soon after, he called my mom and talked to her for a really long time.

Yesterday, I casually brought up to my mom "Hey Randy texted me apologizing for everything...what did he say when he called you? Why all of a sudden is he apologizing?"

And my mom said he called her and said "I know it's late but I can't go to sleep without getting this off my chest." And he apologized for being disrespectful and told her things are going to be different. I guess he had a long talk with Uncle Matt (my dad's brother) and Aunt Diana, his wife. They've always been really great spiritual mentors for us kids. I'm not sure exactly what they talked about, but it really struck a chord with him.

Here's the crazy thing though. A long time ago Uncle Matt and I had a long talk and he told me that if you're ever in a fight with a friend or family member or someone, to say to God, "God, this person really hurt me, and I don't know what to do to resolve it. So I place this conflict in your hands." And he said he guarantees it always works out.

I've been really bitter/stubborn about this fight. But the other day when I was driving I got really upset. A Hey Monday song called 6 Months came on and one line in the chorus says "I can't think of anybody else who I hate to miss as much as I hate missing you."

I feel that way about Randy. Yes, we were fighting, but I missed him. So I asked God to take the conflict into his hands.
24 hours later...he did. :)

Here's another crazy thing.
Last night we drove to Phoenix to have dinner with some of my mom's relatives. It's a 2 hour drive. Well I was in shotgun and my mom was driving, following my aunts and grandma. The little girls were asleep but Emily and I were awake. On the way there, my mom told us the whole story about how she and my dad met and how everything fell together.

I've always just thought that my parents probably shouldn't have gotten together but they did and had a kid and so they just had to end up together. But when she explained the way things worked out, there is no doubt in my mind that God had a hand in their relationship.
She was working at Safeway in high school, and sort of dating this guy Brandon. And one day she and Brandon went to Safeway to grab something. Brandon was still looking for something while she checked out. She just happened to go down the aisle of her friend Robert, who was like "oh, when you come into work tomorrow I want you to meet this guy. I almost forgot and then I saw you."
The next day, he introduced her to my dad. And the rest is history...

Then she told us about when she found out she was pregnant, and just how supportive her mom was (she just lived with her mom). And she went to my dad's house and said "We need to break up. I'm pregnant and I know you don't want anything to do with me or the baby, so we can go our separate ways and I promise I won't try and get child support from you or anything."
And he was like "uh....no! we should get married!"

I've always thought I was an accident. But my mom said that if she hadn't gotten pregnant and then married, she would still be living in the springs, working at Safeway, going nowhere.

So I guess sometimes, no....ALL the time, God really is in control, even if it doesn't seem like it.

Music and Memories

I'm putting off going to sleep, because this melatonin I have had to take after surgery has given me nightmares almost every night. It's weird. I should probably ask the doctor about it.

Anyway, I've decided to do this music survey thing. It's pretty cool if you want to copy and paste it and do it on your own blogs :)

DIRECTIONS: COPY AND PASTE, AND FILL IN YOUR ANSWERS.
PUT YOUR IPOD/ITUNES ON SHUFFLE, AND FOR EACH SONG THAT POPS UP, GIVE A MEMORY WITH THAT SONG OR AN EXPLANATION OF IT, NO MATTER WHICH SONG!

1. Kill by Jimmy Eat World
Wow, this is one of my favorite Jimmy Eat World songs. It's such a good unrequited love song. It reminds me mainly of high school--junior year, when my cousin Aleisha and I went to school together and had a lot of guy drama. ha. But I love the song. It's just so honest.

2. Better Off Alone by Alice Deejay
Just a fun techno/dance song. I like having dance music on my ipod.

3. Season by The Academy Is
I like this band a lot, and this CD is by far their best. This song reminds me of high school again, and certain friends of Aleisha's that I became friends with like Pat and Booker.

4. Walk Me Home by Mandy Moore
Middle school memories, for sure. I loved Mandy Moore a lot then. I got to meet her when she opened for Nsync :)

5. Come On by Josie and the Pussycats
Haha, this song reminds me of when my friend Allie and I were obsessed with this movie sophomore year and we wanted to start a chick rock band. But alas, chick bands are like communism--a good idea theoretically, but fail in the real world.

6. Someday We'll Know by Johnathan Foreman and Mandy Moore
This song is from the Walk to Remember soundtrack. It reminds me of middle school and youth group because my core group and I were obsessed with the movie :)

7. The Future Freaks Me Out by Motion City Soundtrack
I love this song because it's so fun. It reminds me of times with Dani, especially at concerts.

8. When I See You Smile by Bad English
Ah, 80's ballads :) All songs like this remind me of my parents. Before they had 5 kids and started hating each other, I think they sat in my dad's camero and made out to songs like this. Which, I know, is gross to think about. But all of our parents were once teenagers in love.

9. All About Jesus by Three Chord Wonder
Haha, these guys were a local band from Denver and they played at our middle school youth group one summer. So this song reminds me of my summer going into 8th grade--all our fun events like water world and elitches, and people like Jackie Pipes (who had a crush on the band too) and my youth pastor Dale.

10. What A Feeling by Irene Cara
The main song from Flashdance :) It reminds me of my friend Shannon because we have an 80's movie fetish.

11. Gentleman of Promise by Sherwood
Totally reminds me of Josh. (pretty boy from my last blog-see picture) He got me into Sherwood, and this song is totally him--he's so smooth and yet my heart was wrung and broken by him.

12. The World Spins Madly On by The Weepies
I think this will always be one of my favorite songs. It's so indie and... just beautiful. It's a sad song, but it fits for anyone who has ever felt down. It's weird because listening to it makes me feel better.

13. Jessie's Girl by Rick Springfield
This song reminds me of our mission trip to Tennessee the summer before I was a sophomore. It's on the 13 going on 30 soundtrack. This guy Jared and I watched it in the car on the portable dvd player...and held hands. Oooo. I saw his facebook recently. He is HOT. ha.

14. Sing Alleluia by Jennifer Knapp and Mac Powell
Again, makes me think of middle school youth group and core group and Dale Fredrickson my youth pastor. I think that that time was when I was the closest to God in some ways. The song reminds me of all the events we had, all the worship, and just all the growing close to God.

15. Because of You by 98 Degrees
Haha, elementary school memories ALL the way.

16. Party In Your Bedroom by Cash Cash
This song reminds me of Emo-ly. She likes it, and it's totally something she'd say "there's a party in my bedroom all night long."

17. Right Now (Na Na) by Akon
This song reminds me of the 2nd college trip to NOLA when we were driving home. Brooke was singing it really loud to Chuckie and he was getting annoyed. I dunno, you had to be there.

18. Clouds by The Morning Light
Oh man....this song= my life song. Just listen to the lyrics if you haven't.

19. I Love My Sex by Benny Benassi
Haha, this is a techno/clubbing song. It reminds me of the time Jessie and I went to what we thought was a concert and we ended up at a club. So if you're ever bored, ask me or Jessie to tell you about how we "accidentally went clubbing." The story is rather terrifying if you've ever been an attractive young woman in the midst of drunken bros and strobe lighting.

20. (a) by Mewithoutyou
I LOVE mewithout you. Their lyrics are epic and I love that they love God. I went to a show of theirs at the Marquis when I was a junior and it was great. The lead singer was like "this song is written after an episode of Walker Texas Ranger..." and it was awesome. Then the next song he said "and this song is also about an episode of Walker Texas Ranger. I don't want you guys to think that all we do is sit around and watch Walker Texas Ranger, but I don't wanna lie to you either." :-D

21. Some Girls Do by Sawyer Brown
Ha, a very swanky country song. It remind me of being a kid, living with my parents and Randy in the Springs (the good ol days before Emo came along. hah) But my mom was always at school getting her real estate license, so Randy and I went to work with my dad when he built houses. My dad always played this at the houses he was framing.

22. Amber by 311
This song reminds me of my friend Joy Vezey. She's just such a hippie and a "zen" person and we always have wilderness adventures together :)

23. Boulders by New Found Glory
Ugh...another Josh song. Beginning of my senior year, we had a big fight, and this is the song he told me to listen to that explained how he felt. It was a weird time, but I think the song is a good song for a fight and wanting to make up. Listen to it if you ever get a chance.

24. Liquid by Jars of Clay
The summer before my freshman year of high school, I went on a mission trip to New Mexico and we taught a VBS. A bunch of us did a drama about Jesus and this was the song. It was really powerful. Maybe I'll choreograph it for some kids to do in NOLA this summer.

25. The Adventure by Angels and Airwaves
Ah, the very first AVA song I heard when they first started. I've come to really love this song and it's lyrics. I like to sing it aloud when I'm alone in the car because my voice sounds really good singing it. ha. Maybe I'll do an acoustic cover soon.
But I was JUST telling Emily tonight that I kind of want this to be the song that plays at my wedding after I kiss (Emily and I make a BIG deal out of that song...she already called Anberlin's "Tim and Confusion." jerk.)
But really, it would work "I can't live, I can't breathe, unless you do this with me..." ahhhh!