Fitting Rooms

Tonight as I tried on potential Easter dresses at a local department store, I realized that fitting rooms are still my least favorite place in the world to be. Maybe it's the lighting that seems to accent everything, making sure no one is ever "in the dark" about exactly how they look. Maybe it's the mirror that gives you a 360 degree view, making visible the parts of ourselves we usually don't see. Maybe it's the mixture of the two.

I was thinking that maybe fitting rooms have mirrors and lighting like that so that people know exactly what they're getting, so that they don't buy things that they'll later regret. But then that doesn't make much sense. Stores want our business, so you think they'd do anything to make a sale. They'd have the mirrors and lighting working in our favor. But that's never really the case, is it?

For me, fitting rooms have always been a "moment of truth" spot. A place where I figure out just how much of a failure I am. They have been a place of frustration, a place of tears, a place of reluctant settling. Even in an enclosed, locked room, all by myself, I've never felt so exposed as I do when I go to try something on.

Every odd is against us, and we know that. That's why fitting rooms exist. Trial and error.

I try to avoid stores where the only way to get a fitting room is to interact with a salesperson. I always feel like I need to apologize. "Um... sorry, can I get a fitting room unlocked? Sorry. Thanks. Sorry." Or if they ask, "How many do you have?" I always feel like I hear them say, "What size are you?"

The worst is facing the salesperson after an unsuccessful fitting room trial. They always ask, "Did those work for you?" like they had some kind of expectation like I did. And having to tell them "no" is like having to tell your Grandma that her casserole was nasty. You feel bad, but you know you can't lie. And even if you do lie, she'd know.

Tonight in the fitting room I was in dresses, and therefore reminded of just how much I don't like about my body.

Whenever we try on something particularly unflattering, we always pull on the item, try and adjust it, just kidding ourselves for a moment. I found myself doing that a lot.

This dress makes me look pregnant, this one makes me self-conscious about my legs, this one shows too much cleavage, this one is too see-through, this one is too snug on my stomach, etc.

All the while I'm adjusting the dresses, trying to fix the problems. But in the end, we say to ourselves (or maybe even to the person with us, standing outside the fitting room) "It doesn't fit."

And the errors make the trials a little less exciting each time.

The mirrors in the fitting room also gave me a chance to get an up-close glimpse at my face. Tonight I was particularly discouraged by what I saw.

I'm 21 years old and I still have acne.

I don't have the red, pizza-face acne that we see on "before" pictures in the Proactiv commercials. I have a million little under-the-surface bumps that make my face look like an aerial view of the Rocky Mountains.

Furthermore, the acne treatment cream I've been using for quite some time now has done nothing but dry my face out. So in the light of this fitting room, up-close in the mirror, I can see my skin peeling and flaking off. Under my eyes, beneath my eyebrows, around the corners of my nose. Pieces of skin are stuck to my hair and I pull them out tediously, grossed out.

And I wonder if my acne will ever go away or if my skin will just flake away, layer by layer, until I have no face.

Every night, when I go through my tiresome regimen of washing my face, I look at myself with no makeup, and endless blemishes, and I wonder, briefly, if maybe this is how it's supposed to be. Real. Uncovered. Flaws and all.

But we all must leave the bathroom, the fitting room, and face the world. Maybe that's what I don't like about fitting rooms. That we have to come out. That we can't stay in there forever and cry and hide our imperfect faces and bodies. We have to make due with what we have.

But, I did find a dress. And it fits. My face I'm still working on.

Perhaps?

Life's frustrating because we don't know the thoughts of other people.

We don't know their intentions.

So we draw conclusions from assumptions that may or may not have steady foundations.

We can assume that smiles and waves and the casual "hey" each time we see each other means that there's a friendship there, and perhaps an ignited spark.

I still believe that we're supposed to know each other better.

I have to believe it.

We got off on the right foot, and now I feel like we've left off on the wrong foot. I feel like I want to constantly say "what now?"

Our conversation was a cliff hanger at the end of lengthy novel. And I know you hate sequels. But cut me some slack here.

Maybe if we're not supposed to know each other better, it's for the best.

Maybe if I knew more about you, I'd be disappointed.

But I doubt it.

Maybe if you knew me more, you'd be disappointed.

But I doubt it.

Today I told Vanessa this:

Whomever I decide to date/become engaged to/marry, has to be okay with the fact that I have a lot of people in my life.

I have a big family, a big circle of friends, and I will always be in contact with these people. I will never apologize for these people in my life, nor will I make outrageous accommodations to make him feel more comfortable around them. I want him to be in his element among my family from the get go.

I told her that the defining moment for me will be this:

It's a holiday. Or a family get together of some kind.

We're both there. You've just met the family. Everyone is getting to know you. Everyone is doting upon you. Everyone is asking me questions, giggling with me.

You're talking to my brothers, putting up with my uncle's jokes and threatening lecture. The kids are climbing all over you.

And you are loving every second of it.

We're on opposite sides of the room, well aware that we will probably not sit or stand by each other for most of the night.

But we catch each other's eye in the midst of the chaos, and we smile. We have an entire conversation with our eyes that says that we are right where we need to be.

And anyone who walked into the house later on and saw us would know right away that we were together, even though we were on different sides of the room.

That will be the defining moment.

Naive or not, I'm waiting for him. For the guy who can put up with that.

If he can't, he's simply not the one.

I'm disappointed because you're the kind of person who would feel awkward and uncomfortable in that situation.

And I really wanted it to be you.

Not Even The Rain Has Such Small Hands

Today was a rainy day in Costa Mesa. It actually looked like a hurricane outside. The wind blew the pouring rain horizontally and the palm trees whipped forcefully, looking like they'd bend until they'd break.

Sitting and watching from the window, a few of us girls decided that we could either stay inside all day, watching semi-good movies and "doing homework," or we could seize the opportunity to have fun outside.

So we went outside to play. :)

We climbed trees, spun around in the grass, jumped in puddles, even hopped the fence into the baseball field and played in the mud. (Thankfully we didn't get caught and fined by campus security.)

Before....

After!

As we frolicked through God's nature, I couldn't help but be reminded that THIS is how life is supposed to be. You and I were created to worship in nature, to laugh, to enjoy one another, to explore and play and be alive.

How often do we get wrapped up in the tasks of life and forget to love life? How often do we waste a rainy day inside?

I'm just reminded today how blessed I am to be living on this great planet we call earth, and I'm reminded how God knew exactly what he was doing when he created everything, and he knows exactly what he's doing now :)

Stepping on toes

My response for part of my Foundations of a Christian Life final essay. Enjoy.

How might you use the lecture and notes presented in class to explain the main differences between Roman Catholicism and Protestant evangelicalism?

My father grew up with a Catholic mother and a Protestant father. The two ended up divorcing when he was young, but he still remembers how they always used their religions as leverage for arguments. As a result, my dad decided, as a young married man and father, that any and all religion would be out of the question for his own family. My mom, who really had no religious upbringing, had no problem with that idea. So, my little brothers and sisters and I grew up in a very secular household. I never went to vacation bible school, never went to church as a child unless it was Easter and our grandparents had invited us. My parents did talk about God--but he was more a Santa Claus figure to me. “Be good...because he’s watching.” Eventually, my parents’ friends and family members helped them connect to a non-denominational church and they gave their lives to Christ when I was in middle school. (As did I.) As I look back over my own story, I see that I missed out on experiencing God as a child simply because of how the Catholic/Protestant separation affected my dad. The same schism that divided my dad’s parents happened a long time ago.

The Reformation, which was the second major division of the Church, occurred in the early 16th century. Reformers like Martin Luther and John Calvin saw the corruption of the church and decided to take a stand against the religious leaders who were using their interpretation of the bible to control people’s lives. Luther disagreed with the church selling indulgences, questioned their emphasis on sacraments and traditions, and believed that God’s written word should be for all to read, not just the priest. John Calvin and others went on to launch this protest, and formed several denominations. All of these Protestant denominations carry the belief that salvation is obtained by faith alone, and not by going to confession, taking communion and performing your penance.

Luther and other reformers never argued that these sacraments and traditions were bad. But they acknowledged that the church was placing too much emphasis on menial things and not enough on God Himself. Furthermore, they agreed that those sacraments are not supported scripturally, and that is what made all the difference.

Today of course we know that Catholic and Protestant churches still coexist, and the differences between the two are still prevalent. We don’t see the Catholic church selling indulgences anymore, but they still hold true to their other traditions. While Protestants also practice things like baptism and communion, we (Protestants) see them as symbols of our faith. Catholics take these sacraments more seriously, though, and believe that they are actually drinking the blood of Christ when they sip the wine for communion. Thus, a big difference is that Protestants are careful to not let our traditions seem like a magical ritual.

Catholics believe in things like penance, purgatory, Mary’s perpetual virginity, veneration and prayer to saints, etc. Protestants do not believe in or practice such things simply because they have not found scriptural support.

The fundamental beliefs of Christianity are typically the same between Catholics and Protestants. We both believe God created us, that sin separated us from God, that Jesus died for our sins and rose again, and we must believe in him to gain salvation. But Catholics place more emphasis on their traditions, and on faith and works, like the book of James teaches.

Despite the shared fundamental beliefs, (and I am saying this from a Protestant worldview, I realize) I think that the Catholic church’s theology is skewed. I think that even if they do believe the fundamental truths, they have to come to terms with their other beliefs. They ritualistically practice their traditions with so much passion, they prepare themselves for purgatory, they pray to Mary, and yet they know that the bible does not affirm these things. On one hand, I know they value their traditions and their culture--so much of Catholicism is cultural--but on the other hand, I see that there may be an agenda behind these rituals. I think that the emphasis on “do this, do that,” in the Catholic church is just the priests’ desire for control, lingering from the early church times. I’ll even venture to say that I think the practice of going confession in the Catholic church is corrupt. Though the bible says we should confess our sins to each other so we may be healed, I see confession as nothing more than an excuse for the priest to feel more powerful and get into his congregation’s personal lives. I think that the authority that the Catholic church places on its priest is tragic, especially considering that the veil in the temple was torn long ago, when Jesus died. We don’t need to go through a priest in order to get to God, and I feel like Catholics can’t grasp that.

Protestants aren’t perfect, but they did challenge the system. They used their own minds to interpret the bible themselves. Sometimes Protestantism can seem more liberal, like we can just believe and not live out our faith and we’re covered. This is the essential argument between Catholics and Protestants: Catholics being too strict, Protestants being too loose and not putting in enough effort. While James does teach that faith and works have to go together, John 3:16 says that whoever believes in Jesus will have eternal life. Jesus died unnecessarily if we have to work our way to heaven.

That said, I will venture even further to say that the Catholic church’s theology is costing them their congregations. Europe, which used to be the central place for the Roman Catholic church, is now becoming an essentially non-religious continent. Furthermore, Catholicism in America is declining in recent years, and controversies like molestation by priests are coming to the surface. These statistics and controversies do not mean that Catholicism is “wrong” or undergoing judgment for its flawed theology, but it should make Catholics reexamine their worldview. At the end of the day, the separation between Catholicism and Protestantism reminds me that God is complex and we will never be able to agree 100% on everything.

Joe was a no-show

Last night we decorated our tree and home for Christmas. Over the years, our decorations have gotten misplaced and broken, as is expected with a family our size and a house our size. Things just disappear.

One thing I found particularly interesting is that our nativity set is missing every character except Mary and baby Jesus.

I also think it's very appropriate, considering how Joseph sort of leaves the show after season 1.

One thing I've always wondered (and something we discussed in New Testament class) is what happens to Joseph??

My professor said that depending on who you talk to, there are those who think he died, those who think he opted out after a while because of social pressure, and there are those who just don't know.

The bible says that Jesus worked with his father as a carpenter, but other passages conflict.

For instance, when Jesus is talking to the Pharisees, they say "isn't this Jesus of Nazareth, son of Mary, brother of James?...."

In this time period, people would not have called him "son of Mary" if Joseph was in the picture.

There's another passage where Jesus tells the Pharisees that his father is his witness. And they say "Who is your father?"

In class, my professor said that they were implying that Jesus' earthly father was unknown or questionable. And thus implying that Jesus is illegitimate.

(If you read the next verse, however, Jesus totally owns them and says that his father is in Heaven and they don't know him.)

I love 2 things about what he says back to them.

1- He is defending himself and his authority as the son of God

and 2- He is defending his mother.

If there was debate over Jesus' real father, then Mary was most likely seen as a whore in her society. And in one passage, one phrase, Jesus tells them to shut up. I love it.

I've seen those shirts that jokingly say "Mary is my homegirl." But I can honestly say that she is MY homegirl. I have to give her so much credit. She put her life and reputation on the line for the opportunity to birth the son of God. She was a brave kid, who grew into a brave woman.

We don't see Joseph at the cross when Jesus dies, but we do see Mary (John 19:25).

Now, I know that doesn't mean Joseph was a necessarily a deadbeat dad, and I'm sure there's an explanation for his absence. We can exegesis the heck out of passages concerning Joseph, but as far as I'm concerned, Mary was a single mother.

So even though our nativity set is lacking, the feminist in me can smile at this.

High Hopes

I leave back to Colorado on Friday evening. I'm excited to get back, don't get me wrong. But I am really going to miss it here. I feel like I'm going home to a lot of things I don't want to face and I won't have my support system from Cali to help me out.

Last night, Vanessa, Traci, Raechel and I stayed up till 3 am talking in my room. We agreed that it's going to be weird to be away from Vanguard for a month. And it'll just be a bummer that when we get back, things won't necessarily be the same on 2 North (as we are getting new girls and certain girls are leaving, etc.)

When you get so used to a place and you love it, it's hard to leave. It'll be even harder to come back and realize things might be different. :-/

BUT...I am determined to do a lot of new things next semester. As Vanessa said, this semester we got to know each other, and next semester is when we LIVE OUT that relationship. :)

Side note here--I am so thankful for Vanessa. No matter how random they say the roommate selection was, I know God wanted us to be together in this room.

Anyway, I made a to-do list for next semester. It'll probably grow, but this is what I have so far. Hopefully you guys can click on it and read it.

Here are some random pictures I thought I'd throw in

Here's one that relates to the last blog about GYRAD--you'll get a kick out of it. My RA took this and it was during dinner. This was only like half an hour after meeting Beau. You can see us in the background talking and I think you can FEEL my nervousness. But he is wearing the sweater, which makes me smile. Now you guys can share my experience. haha.

And finally, a video of the Christmas Fireworks at Disney. I went with Vanessa and Ernesto on my birthday. It was really fun. I just love the 2 of them as a couple and I love hanging out with them.

Wish you all were here! <3

BEAU-tiful night (GYRAD story in full)

Here's my story o' Get Your Roommate A Date

It's really long, just letting you know.

Some background in case you don't know:

Vanessa= my roommate

Ernesto= Vanessa's boyfriend of 2 years

My date= Ernesto's friend whom he's known since childhood. That's how it all got set up.

Here's how the night went:

Most girls (except the ones with boyfriends) didn't know who their dates were going to be. I knew mine was not a Vanguard student, but I'd never met or seen him, I just knew he was Ernesto's friend.

The girls had no idea where we were going, it was all a surprise, but all the guys knew once they got there.

First, all us girls got ready...

Here's a brief overview of my "look"

The hair and makeup done by Alex

The outfit: my shirt dress thing with leggings new bag and my friend Olivia's cool ballet slipper shoes.

There were about 60 people total (30 guys, 30 girls) and us girls met in our hallway, then headed down to the VUSC letters in the courtyard. All the guys were already standing at the letters at 5pm when we all showed up. Back at our hall, we got an envelope with 5 dollars in it and a card that said a word on it. The word was mixed up, and you had to unscramble it and find the guy who had the same word, and he was your date.

So we all starting looking around, asking people what their word is, all that. And then I saw a guy that I knew was him, just by how Vanessa had described him. And he was like "My word says Ice Cream" and I said "Mine does too!" and then he was like "So that means we're on a date!" all excited. And he was like "I'm Beau, pleasure to meet you." (Not nice to meet me, pleasure to meet me.) And we shook hands and met and everything, then joined up with Vanessa and Ernesto. Oh also--Vanessa mentioned to Beau, kind of jokingly, like 2 weeks ago, that I like it when guys where argyle. Okay, he was wearing a brown & tan argyle sweater and a long black peacoat! And later I found out he didn't own any argyle but he went out and bought the sweater just to impress me. haha.

We all walked to the Heath building and someone had cooked a spaghetti/pasta dinner for us. So we all sat down and ate. [Side note here--spaghetti is the first date food I was dreading because it's so messy! But I managed to get nothing on me :)]

Beau and I got a chance to talk a lot during dinner. He didn't eat because he had food poisoning all day Friday and was still recovering. But he came anyway :) He said "I didn't wanna be the guy who got sick and didn't show up. They'd end up sticking you with a weird guy instead last minute." SoI really appreciated that. Also during dinner, we had to figure out the driving situation. We decided just me and him go in his car because Vanessa's other friend Josh, who was on a date with Brittany, had driven up with Ernesto so it made sense for the 4 of them to carpool.

We got the directions and went to the cars. He drives a red toyota tacoma like Randy's. I held the directions and we headed up toward L.A. We had a good hour with just the 2 of us in the car and we talked about a lot of stuff, so that was good.

The first thing he said when he turned on his ipod to play some music was "Do you like Copeland?"

And I was like "uh...yeah! they're my favorite band!"

I asked Vanessa later if she told him I liked Copeland and she said no, she didn't. So that was cool. He also put on a beanie hat which made me think of Colorado guys. ha.

I learned that he went to Biola for a semester and was a music major, but then dropped out because he didn't really think it was for him, and his band he's in got a chance to spend 3 months in Germany recording. And now he lives in Temecula, California, which is south of me, and he works at a coffee shop and is in a band.

When he was a kid he lived in Wyoming from birth to 1 year old, in New York from 1 to 6 years old, Egypt from 6 to 12 years old, and then back to California from 12 to now. He's 24.

His dad is an accountant for construction companies and that's why they lived in Egypt for 6 years--because the building market there was really good at the time.

We got to Los Angeles and ended up at a comedy club where we met up with the rest of the group. It was an improv show and was really, really funny. It was a family show too, so kids were there and there were no vulgar jokes. They called up volunteers and did crazy skits and it was really cool.

Here's an intriguing side-profile of Beau at the comedy club. What a stud, right?

After that we headed to our next mystery destination--which we all knew was an ice cream place. (The scrambled words were all clues of the night) I read the directions for him and we followed them super closely, and somehow we ended up getting separated from the convoy and eventually very lost in L.A. We didn't really care, he was really cool about it, we just kept driving and kept trying. In the car (and basically all night) we never stopped talking. We talked about stuff we like, we told funny stories that happened to us, we had a long discussion about the Holy Spirit for a while, and we joked and acted sarcastic and made fun of each other.

I was getting really frustrated at the directions and we called Vanessa, we called my RA Heather, and even when we did what they told us to do, we still couldn't find the street we needed.

And Beau was just really calm and was like "You know, it's not about the destination, it's about the journey."

We then decided we should video document this moment. At this point, we were already acting like best friends. You can't really see him in this video but give it a look:

So we kept driving through LA, and we passed this sushi place. And Beau is like "I'd rather get sushi." and I was like "me too." So we decided to ditch the ice cream place and go there.

WELL we walk in, the door was opened, the sign said OPEN, and they were closed.

So we were pretty upset, but we were also just laughing at how this night was going.

We get back in his car and he's like, "Here, flip a coin. heads and we head back to Vanguard and find something to eat along the way, and tails we keep looking for this ice cream place."

I flipped it. It was tails.

So we searched again for the ice cream place.

Finally, we realized we had been going the WRONG WAY on Wilshire blvd and that's why we couldn't find the street. So we made it to the ice cream place at 12:20am. They were still opened, the Vanguard people were already gone obviously, and the huge line was gone too.

At this place, you go and choose 2 cookies and an ice cream flavor and they make an ice cream sandwich for you. And it was only $3 for the both of us.

We sat outside and ate our ice cream...I'll try and insert a picture of that here. The consensus is he kinda looks like Sawyer from the show Lost.

We didn't take too many pictures. Vanessa took a couple. They should be on Facebook.

Anyway, after we ate our ice cream, he asked if I wanted to walk around. So we walked through that part of the city for a long time and just talked. We asked each other a lot of questions which really fun. Earlier when we were at the comedy club, Vanessa and I had gone to the bathroom together and she said that she noticed how Beau and I were already behaving like best friends, just with how we joked and were really comfortable with each other.

That's how it was the rest of the time too. We weren't shy at all. (Perhaps the reason we got so lost was because we were talking so much and not paying attention?)

After our walk, we headed back to Vanguard. We still had a 45 minute drive ahead of us so we had more time to talk. We talked a lot about movies, music, ourselves, everything. Then we got back to my dorm at about 1:45am. (Waaaay after everyone else had gotten back.)

We said bye in front of the dorm and hugged. And he said "I'm glad I got lost with you for two hours in LA." haha. Then he told me to add him on facebook and we'd keep in touch, he'd tell me where his band was playing, etc. He still had another hour to drive back, I felt bad he was out so late being sick and all.

I got up to our hall and Vanessa, Traci, Raechel and Amanda were all sitting on the couch waiting for me. They were freaking out and screaming and all excited about how late I got back. They all were like "He kissed you didn't he?!" and I was like "NO! I would never kiss someone on a first date. You all know me better than that." and Vanessa said Beau is too respectful to do that. They made me tell them all about the night. So I didn't end up getting to bed until 3:30am.

Anyway, it was just a really fun night and I was thankful that Vanessa chose such an easygoing guy that I really got along with. And--don't worry, he was a gentleman. He always opened my car door for me, he walked on the outside of the sidewalk, and even at the comedy club when I came back from the bathroom, he didn't sit back down until I sat down, stuff like that.

I'm not sure if I'll see him again since he lives so far away, but we'll see. It was nice to go on a date though, and even though everything got all messed up with the directions, we still had a blast.