Promenade

So, Summer is here and the class of 09 has graduated. Which also means that the class of 09 has had their prom.
I have heard some pretty crazy prom stories, as well as some sweet ones, awkward ones, and all around funny ones.
Some of you may know my prom story, and I thank you for listening.
Some of you were there to share the experience, and I especially thank you.
And some of you have no idea what my senior prom was like, so this blog is for you guys. However, do not expect this to be a short, happy story. I'll tell you up front, it's not.

Senior prom was the only prom I ever went to. It was sort of a last-minute decision. See, a few weeks earlier I had broken up with my boyfriend because he was clingy, had much too much baggage, and had become obsessed over me, basically.
I ended things with him by saying "we should just be friends." Which was a mistake, because he took it literally. He still wanted to take me to prom--as friends.
Before I go any further, my boyfriend (or ex boyfriend by prom time) was a freshman in college, but had dropped out, lived in Larkspur, had no car, worked at a clothing shop in Castle Rock, and lived with his parents.
I'm not sure what I was on.

I reluctantly said yes when he asked me to prom at a concert....which is a crazy story in itself because I was at the concert with Josh, an old flame, if you will. Josh was my date to 11th grade snowball and basically the bee's knees in every respect. Tall, dark, handsome, cute, charming, older, etc. We're still pals to this day. Here's a picture: http://i15.photobucket.com/albums/a381/WWJDgirl3/joshpiano.jpg
Despite the great time I had with Josh at snowball, I wasn't planning on asking him to another high school dance. I wasn't planning on going at all. So my ex showed up at the concert, asked me, and I said yes, then didn't speak to him the rest of the night. Josh was like "you could have said no." His words still haunt me. I SHOULD have said no.

The day before prom I had a car accident. So the day of prom I was still upset/shaken up/not really wanting to leave the house. But I did.
My date shows up...and he's wearing eyeliner. Granted, I knew he was pretty much an emo kid when we started dating, with the girl pants and what not. But still. It was embarrassing, especially because my dad and randy don't tolerate guys who are in the least bit feminine.

He didn't get me a corsage....he got me a boutonniere--a MAN's flower, because he's an idiot. He even tried to pin it to my dress. Thankfully, it didn't work.
We went to Michelle's house, took pictures, and headed to dinner/prom.

I don't remember much of the night, just feeling completely embarrassed around him. Most emo kids resort to childlike behavior, I've noticed. And even that night at prom, my date made no effort to act grown up.
He did, however, hang onto my hand really, really tight the whole time and didn't let me talk to my friends much. I went and said hi to Randy and his date, and Randy could totally tell I was hating it. I was glad when the dance was over.

So we got back to my house and changed for after prom. Which, as you may have guessed, I was not too crazy about attending either.
My friend Dani met us at my house so she could ride there with us. I am changing upstairs when he lets her in. I hear them from downstairs and he's like "Look at this, it's a surprise for Ashley."
And I hear Dani go "Oh...that's....cute...." in an awkward/trying to be polite tone.

So I'm like crap. What did he get me?

It's all a mystery until we are walking through the parking lot into after prom. He takes off his jacket and his shirt has iron-on letters that say, "Ashley's Hott Prom Date."
Yes. Two t's. Yes, that was the "surprise." And no, I'm not kidding.

We stayed at after prom for maybe an hour. It wasn't fun and I was ready to go. When we got back, I told him I was just going to go to bed, so he didn't stick around and hang out, thankfully.

But then I'm like "okay, thanks, bye, etc." and I give him a hug because I figure it's customary.
Unfortunately, he was still in the not-over-me-yet stage (and still remains that way to this day) and he doesn't let go.
There's a point in time where a hug is just too long. That was the case here. I honestly had to push away. But when I did, he gripped my hands, looked at me, and didn't say anything.
It felt like FOREVER that we stood like that and I felt BEYOND awkward at this point.
Then he whispers--WHISPERS "goodnight" like it has some mystic, romantic effect on me or something.

The night was over, but the stalking was just beginning. Prom night was when I decided to end all contact with him. He came to my graduation and my grad party, but we didn't talk. I just avoided him. He didn't give up, though.
Currently, he thinks I'm married so the harassment has stopped for now.

I think I'm just going to tell my kids that I never went to prom.

Where The Wild Things Are

As a disclaimer, I do not really like to talk about dreams. Especially because telling someone about your dreams is one of the biggest conversation killers. Our dreams are often more interesting to us than they are to others, heh.

But in this rare case, I am going to talk about dreams.

I'll first start by explaining the dream, then I'll give an analysis or whatever. ;)

All right so in my dream there was me and my siblings. Only we were much younger. Natalie was about 2, which would make me 10 or so.
We were outside, kind of where LP High school is. Only the school wasn't there, it was a valley. And in the valley were elephants and buffalo.
We were just watching these animals roam about the valley. And elephants and buffalo are big animals, you know?
All of a sudden, certain kids I know are going near the animals! And they're getting picked up by elephants' trunks and getting chased by the buffalo! And I am like what are they doing?!

And some kids ask my siblings if they want to come play with the elephants & buffalo. And I answer for them---NO!
I'm holding Natalie and then I look around and I see even more animals! Not just animals, but monsters. And up from behind the mountain comes a dragon!
It sounds so dumb now, but being in a dream, feeling so small and helpless is so scary.

The rest of the dream consists of me carrying Natalie and leading the other kids somewhere away from where the wild things are. ha.
By the end of the dream, my only concern is Natalie. It ends with me carrying her, running from the monsters, and trying to call my mom on the cell phone. She doesn't answer.



So I started thinking about that dream. The biggest part I noticed was the familiarity of the dream. Growing up, I would always have crisis-like dreams involving me and my siblings. The typical dream consisted of:
-All 5 of us running from bad guys of some kind--no parents in sight.
-Randy trying to figure out how to drive so we could get away faster.
-Me trying to hold the 3 little kids and run with them.

My former teacher Ms. Mo told me that she had the same kind of dreams when she was a kid. She's the oldest of 5 too, so maybe it's an oldest child thing. I just always thought it was interesting.

The other interesting thing is how I was mainly concerned with Natalie in the dream. I read a book once called The Poisonwood Bible, and in one part, there's a chaotic scene and the mother saves her youngest daughter. Later, when an older daughter asks her why she chose to save the baby, she says that in a crisis, mothers care for their children from the bottom up.

I know they're just dreams, but they really bother me. It took me a good hour after waking up to calm down. I'm afraid they're just going to get worse when I move. That feeling of helplessness will overwhelm me. That desire and responsibility to protect my siblings will haunt me.

Maybe it always will. :-/

Another List

I decided to make this list so that anyone in my life (or coming into my life) knows what he/she's in for. As many of you know there are-

Things About Me That You May Not Like But Must Accept If You Want To Be Close To Me:

1. I am closed-minded. Not just about religion and politics and social issues, but about most change in general. I see no reason to change anything that works fine (from facebook to remodeling a home.) In addition to my resistance to change, I do not believe that most people have the ability to change. So I give out few (if any) second chances.

2. I believe that I am always right. (Because I usually am always right.) I do not like admitting that I was wrong, but I rarely have to do it anyway. I believe God has given me the gift of wisdom and so do many adults and mentors in my life.

3. I am the oldest of 5, and I am the responsible big sister. I am not a cool older sister who covers for her younger siblings. I never have been and I never will be. I am the older sister who rats her siblings out. I am the older sister who tries to be the third parent. I critique my parents' parenting and believe that I will be a better disciplinarian when or if I have kids one day.

4. I do not tolerate ignorance. Ignorance of history, ignorance of current events, ignorance of grammatical use, ignorance of people who are different, or ignorance of politics. By not tolerate I mean that once you give me the impression that you are ignorant in any way, I lose respect for you and will (in my mind) belittle you from now on.

5. In addition, I do not tolerate destructive behavior. And I consider destructive behavior to be drug use, excess of alcohol/tobacco products, promiscuous sex, violent behavior, etc. Many often say to me, "Just because I have done drugs/get drunk/have sex/etc. and you haven't, doesn't mean you're better than I am."
And my response is, "Yes it does."

6. I do not like it when people make excuses about why they are where they are in life. I believe excuses are like armpits- everyone has them and they stink. I have little or no respect for individuals with chips on their shoulders and it doesn't take me long to tune out of a whining speech.

7. I believe very strongly that there is absolutely nothing wrong with children, and any and all problems they have are a result of their parents/caretakers.

8. I believe very strongly in gender roles and especially in women's rights. I believe men need to step up and be better leaders and take initiative more. I believe women should never be expected to do something difficult or painful if a man can take her place and do it.
If a man does not hold a door for me or another woman, I automatically label him as a jerk. If a man does not volunteer to pay for something, carry something heavy a woman has, or watch his language around women, I automatically label him as NOT a man.

9. In addition, I am a hardcore feminist when it comes to the objectification of women. I believe that everything from Hooters to the Playboy Mansion to Pornography to America's Next Top model are horrible examples for women to follow and all lead to men's violent behavior and belittling of women. My children will never (under my supervision at least) be exposed to media like that.
And while some see the Bible as sexist, I will challenge you anytime to a debate in which I show you just how much Jesus loved and respected women.

10. I have a very cynical view of love and marriage. I believe that love is a verb, and a thing that people must work at. I believe that marriage is a brand new dynamic of love, and that love is not enough to make a marriage work. I believe that marriages back in the day, based on a dowry, were almost better than the ones today where we base them on "love," simply because so many couples divorce over money.
For this reason, I will not even consider dating a guy unless he has a job. And unless he is the type to get a career and become stable, he has no future with me.

11. I believe that elders must be respected, always. Elders do not earn my respect as others must, they just automatically have it. When a young person is disrespectful to someone in a position of authority, I automatically blame that young person's parents for not teaching them proper manners.

12. I will not consider a future with a guy who has already had sex. If he's the man of my dreams but he's not a virgin, I'm out. If I am saving myself for him, he better be saving himself for me.

13. I am very cynical about public speakers. Very few people know how to keep an audience's attention. If you cannot speak well and avoid verbal fillers, get off the stage.

14. I am a music snob. I like bands that no one has heard of, and I am usually pretty upset when a band sells out. I am loyal to my favorite bands, and selfish for them.

15. I find it much easier to forget rather than forgive. As a result, I have many broken relationships in my life, and it's because I would rather ignore the problem. I find it very easy to lose contact with someone in a very civil manner.

Textured Walls

A few years ago, we got our walls textured. If you don't know what that means, it's when a painter takes a tool and makes the walls have bumps and texture to them...so it gives the walls an antique-ish look.

Since getting the walls done, my dad has been really strict about what we put on the walls. We have pictures and certain things that we hang for decoration, but otherwise, he wanted the walls to look nice and not have any holes or tape on them.

This past Christmas, Randy gave my dad a gift that consisted of: blown up framed family photos, and his 1st semester report card. (Which, obviously, was a straight-A report card. It's Randy.)

That night, my dad thumb tacked Randy's report card on the wall of the kitchen. The textured wall.

I suppose now would be a good time to tell you that I had straight A's first semester too. But I didn't print off my report card and give it as a gift.
In fact, it wasn't until my parents saw Randy's report card that they even inquired about my grades.

It's all a price I pay, being in the shadow of a younger sibling. I've always been in his shadow.
When we were little, Randy sang karaoke at this family bar & grill in Missouri. He was 5 and it was really cute. And for months my parents played the damn tape for everyone. They added that "Ashley was too shy to sing a song."
It's funny how nothing changes. I don't think my parents even know that I sing in my spare time.

It never bothered me, being in his shadow. For the most part I chose (and still choose) to be there.

I say this all because recently, conflict has risen and Randy and I are done. It's a weird thing to say, but I'm not sure how else to explain it. We had a disagreement, which led to a fight. And Randy doesn't hold back with words, he really doesn't.
One of my good friends has become interested in Randy recently, and he likes her. She's younger, and so when she asked for my advice I gave her a proverb, which says "Above all else, guard your heart."
My brother may be the most illegible bachelor in Monument and California, but he's also a guy. AND he is a very stubborn, self-centered individual (always has been) and I've always loved him in spite of that.
But I've finally realized that he isn't the saint that my parents and other parents and everyone thinks he is. He is an incredible actor.

And I am not trying to bash him. I am giving a reason to everyone who may ask "why don't you and your brother talk anymore?"

I don't want to get into the specifics of the argument and what he said. But I do want to point out that I am slowly (but surely!) breaking away from being in his shadow. And maybe the first step is just not having a relationship anymore.

Yes, we have argued in the past, and yes, this could and possibly will blow over. But I am not going to initiate it. I have kissed his feet for a very long time. I have wrongfully taken pride in being his sister, when I really should have formed a better way to defend myself against him.

We haven't spoken since Sunday. It's a weird feeling. It's not painful, not on the surface at least. It's just a little sting. A little hole. Like a thumbtack in a textured wall.