Textured Walls

A few years ago, we got our walls textured. If you don't know what that means, it's when a painter takes a tool and makes the walls have bumps and texture to them...so it gives the walls an antique-ish look.

Since getting the walls done, my dad has been really strict about what we put on the walls. We have pictures and certain things that we hang for decoration, but otherwise, he wanted the walls to look nice and not have any holes or tape on them.

This past Christmas, Randy gave my dad a gift that consisted of: blown up framed family photos, and his 1st semester report card. (Which, obviously, was a straight-A report card. It's Randy.)

That night, my dad thumb tacked Randy's report card on the wall of the kitchen. The textured wall.

I suppose now would be a good time to tell you that I had straight A's first semester too. But I didn't print off my report card and give it as a gift.
In fact, it wasn't until my parents saw Randy's report card that they even inquired about my grades.

It's all a price I pay, being in the shadow of a younger sibling. I've always been in his shadow.
When we were little, Randy sang karaoke at this family bar & grill in Missouri. He was 5 and it was really cute. And for months my parents played the damn tape for everyone. They added that "Ashley was too shy to sing a song."
It's funny how nothing changes. I don't think my parents even know that I sing in my spare time.

It never bothered me, being in his shadow. For the most part I chose (and still choose) to be there.

I say this all because recently, conflict has risen and Randy and I are done. It's a weird thing to say, but I'm not sure how else to explain it. We had a disagreement, which led to a fight. And Randy doesn't hold back with words, he really doesn't.
One of my good friends has become interested in Randy recently, and he likes her. She's younger, and so when she asked for my advice I gave her a proverb, which says "Above all else, guard your heart."
My brother may be the most illegible bachelor in Monument and California, but he's also a guy. AND he is a very stubborn, self-centered individual (always has been) and I've always loved him in spite of that.
But I've finally realized that he isn't the saint that my parents and other parents and everyone thinks he is. He is an incredible actor.

And I am not trying to bash him. I am giving a reason to everyone who may ask "why don't you and your brother talk anymore?"

I don't want to get into the specifics of the argument and what he said. But I do want to point out that I am slowly (but surely!) breaking away from being in his shadow. And maybe the first step is just not having a relationship anymore.

Yes, we have argued in the past, and yes, this could and possibly will blow over. But I am not going to initiate it. I have kissed his feet for a very long time. I have wrongfully taken pride in being his sister, when I really should have formed a better way to defend myself against him.

We haven't spoken since Sunday. It's a weird feeling. It's not painful, not on the surface at least. It's just a little sting. A little hole. Like a thumbtack in a textured wall.