Where The Wild Things Are

As a disclaimer, I do not really like to talk about dreams. Especially because telling someone about your dreams is one of the biggest conversation killers. Our dreams are often more interesting to us than they are to others, heh.

But in this rare case, I am going to talk about dreams.

I'll first start by explaining the dream, then I'll give an analysis or whatever. ;)

All right so in my dream there was me and my siblings. Only we were much younger. Natalie was about 2, which would make me 10 or so.
We were outside, kind of where LP High school is. Only the school wasn't there, it was a valley. And in the valley were elephants and buffalo.
We were just watching these animals roam about the valley. And elephants and buffalo are big animals, you know?
All of a sudden, certain kids I know are going near the animals! And they're getting picked up by elephants' trunks and getting chased by the buffalo! And I am like what are they doing?!

And some kids ask my siblings if they want to come play with the elephants & buffalo. And I answer for them---NO!
I'm holding Natalie and then I look around and I see even more animals! Not just animals, but monsters. And up from behind the mountain comes a dragon!
It sounds so dumb now, but being in a dream, feeling so small and helpless is so scary.

The rest of the dream consists of me carrying Natalie and leading the other kids somewhere away from where the wild things are. ha.
By the end of the dream, my only concern is Natalie. It ends with me carrying her, running from the monsters, and trying to call my mom on the cell phone. She doesn't answer.



So I started thinking about that dream. The biggest part I noticed was the familiarity of the dream. Growing up, I would always have crisis-like dreams involving me and my siblings. The typical dream consisted of:
-All 5 of us running from bad guys of some kind--no parents in sight.
-Randy trying to figure out how to drive so we could get away faster.
-Me trying to hold the 3 little kids and run with them.

My former teacher Ms. Mo told me that she had the same kind of dreams when she was a kid. She's the oldest of 5 too, so maybe it's an oldest child thing. I just always thought it was interesting.

The other interesting thing is how I was mainly concerned with Natalie in the dream. I read a book once called The Poisonwood Bible, and in one part, there's a chaotic scene and the mother saves her youngest daughter. Later, when an older daughter asks her why she chose to save the baby, she says that in a crisis, mothers care for their children from the bottom up.

I know they're just dreams, but they really bother me. It took me a good hour after waking up to calm down. I'm afraid they're just going to get worse when I move. That feeling of helplessness will overwhelm me. That desire and responsibility to protect my siblings will haunt me.

Maybe it always will. :-/

Another List

I decided to make this list so that anyone in my life (or coming into my life) knows what he/she's in for. As many of you know there are-

Things About Me That You May Not Like But Must Accept If You Want To Be Close To Me:

1. I am closed-minded. Not just about religion and politics and social issues, but about most change in general. I see no reason to change anything that works fine (from facebook to remodeling a home.) In addition to my resistance to change, I do not believe that most people have the ability to change. So I give out few (if any) second chances.

2. I believe that I am always right. (Because I usually am always right.) I do not like admitting that I was wrong, but I rarely have to do it anyway. I believe God has given me the gift of wisdom and so do many adults and mentors in my life.

3. I am the oldest of 5, and I am the responsible big sister. I am not a cool older sister who covers for her younger siblings. I never have been and I never will be. I am the older sister who rats her siblings out. I am the older sister who tries to be the third parent. I critique my parents' parenting and believe that I will be a better disciplinarian when or if I have kids one day.

4. I do not tolerate ignorance. Ignorance of history, ignorance of current events, ignorance of grammatical use, ignorance of people who are different, or ignorance of politics. By not tolerate I mean that once you give me the impression that you are ignorant in any way, I lose respect for you and will (in my mind) belittle you from now on.

5. In addition, I do not tolerate destructive behavior. And I consider destructive behavior to be drug use, excess of alcohol/tobacco products, promiscuous sex, violent behavior, etc. Many often say to me, "Just because I have done drugs/get drunk/have sex/etc. and you haven't, doesn't mean you're better than I am."
And my response is, "Yes it does."

6. I do not like it when people make excuses about why they are where they are in life. I believe excuses are like armpits- everyone has them and they stink. I have little or no respect for individuals with chips on their shoulders and it doesn't take me long to tune out of a whining speech.

7. I believe very strongly that there is absolutely nothing wrong with children, and any and all problems they have are a result of their parents/caretakers.

8. I believe very strongly in gender roles and especially in women's rights. I believe men need to step up and be better leaders and take initiative more. I believe women should never be expected to do something difficult or painful if a man can take her place and do it.
If a man does not hold a door for me or another woman, I automatically label him as a jerk. If a man does not volunteer to pay for something, carry something heavy a woman has, or watch his language around women, I automatically label him as NOT a man.

9. In addition, I am a hardcore feminist when it comes to the objectification of women. I believe that everything from Hooters to the Playboy Mansion to Pornography to America's Next Top model are horrible examples for women to follow and all lead to men's violent behavior and belittling of women. My children will never (under my supervision at least) be exposed to media like that.
And while some see the Bible as sexist, I will challenge you anytime to a debate in which I show you just how much Jesus loved and respected women.

10. I have a very cynical view of love and marriage. I believe that love is a verb, and a thing that people must work at. I believe that marriage is a brand new dynamic of love, and that love is not enough to make a marriage work. I believe that marriages back in the day, based on a dowry, were almost better than the ones today where we base them on "love," simply because so many couples divorce over money.
For this reason, I will not even consider dating a guy unless he has a job. And unless he is the type to get a career and become stable, he has no future with me.

11. I believe that elders must be respected, always. Elders do not earn my respect as others must, they just automatically have it. When a young person is disrespectful to someone in a position of authority, I automatically blame that young person's parents for not teaching them proper manners.

12. I will not consider a future with a guy who has already had sex. If he's the man of my dreams but he's not a virgin, I'm out. If I am saving myself for him, he better be saving himself for me.

13. I am very cynical about public speakers. Very few people know how to keep an audience's attention. If you cannot speak well and avoid verbal fillers, get off the stage.

14. I am a music snob. I like bands that no one has heard of, and I am usually pretty upset when a band sells out. I am loyal to my favorite bands, and selfish for them.

15. I find it much easier to forget rather than forgive. As a result, I have many broken relationships in my life, and it's because I would rather ignore the problem. I find it very easy to lose contact with someone in a very civil manner.

Textured Walls

A few years ago, we got our walls textured. If you don't know what that means, it's when a painter takes a tool and makes the walls have bumps and texture to them...so it gives the walls an antique-ish look.

Since getting the walls done, my dad has been really strict about what we put on the walls. We have pictures and certain things that we hang for decoration, but otherwise, he wanted the walls to look nice and not have any holes or tape on them.

This past Christmas, Randy gave my dad a gift that consisted of: blown up framed family photos, and his 1st semester report card. (Which, obviously, was a straight-A report card. It's Randy.)

That night, my dad thumb tacked Randy's report card on the wall of the kitchen. The textured wall.

I suppose now would be a good time to tell you that I had straight A's first semester too. But I didn't print off my report card and give it as a gift.
In fact, it wasn't until my parents saw Randy's report card that they even inquired about my grades.

It's all a price I pay, being in the shadow of a younger sibling. I've always been in his shadow.
When we were little, Randy sang karaoke at this family bar & grill in Missouri. He was 5 and it was really cute. And for months my parents played the damn tape for everyone. They added that "Ashley was too shy to sing a song."
It's funny how nothing changes. I don't think my parents even know that I sing in my spare time.

It never bothered me, being in his shadow. For the most part I chose (and still choose) to be there.

I say this all because recently, conflict has risen and Randy and I are done. It's a weird thing to say, but I'm not sure how else to explain it. We had a disagreement, which led to a fight. And Randy doesn't hold back with words, he really doesn't.
One of my good friends has become interested in Randy recently, and he likes her. She's younger, and so when she asked for my advice I gave her a proverb, which says "Above all else, guard your heart."
My brother may be the most illegible bachelor in Monument and California, but he's also a guy. AND he is a very stubborn, self-centered individual (always has been) and I've always loved him in spite of that.
But I've finally realized that he isn't the saint that my parents and other parents and everyone thinks he is. He is an incredible actor.

And I am not trying to bash him. I am giving a reason to everyone who may ask "why don't you and your brother talk anymore?"

I don't want to get into the specifics of the argument and what he said. But I do want to point out that I am slowly (but surely!) breaking away from being in his shadow. And maybe the first step is just not having a relationship anymore.

Yes, we have argued in the past, and yes, this could and possibly will blow over. But I am not going to initiate it. I have kissed his feet for a very long time. I have wrongfully taken pride in being his sister, when I really should have formed a better way to defend myself against him.

We haven't spoken since Sunday. It's a weird feeling. It's not painful, not on the surface at least. It's just a little sting. A little hole. Like a thumbtack in a textured wall.

The Commodification of Women

Our discussion in Ethics class today really sparked my thoughts so I wanted to just reflect on something I feel very strongly about.

So about a year ago, I began a story about a stripper called "Take Cover." The novella was originally going to be about a husband/wife relationship and the trial of the wife's dishonesty in her occupation. But the story turned into something totally different. It became my way to project how I feel about how society degrades women. I ended up making a sequel called "The Letter" and now I'm working on the third book and calling it "Breathless."
I have written characters that I am so in love with. I can't let them go. So I've been working on this series.

Today in ethics, we talked about an article by Cirillo that discusses "sexual labor." Sexual labor means sexualizing occupations that are not normally sexualized (i.e.- topless maid services, topless secretaries---yes these things exist! and things like waitressing in skimpy outfits.)
A kid in class said that there's a barber shop in Englewood, CO. called "A Little Over the Top" where women cut hair topless. (I'm willing to bet that this kid's knowledge of this shop pretty much downed his chances of getting a date after class.)

So the justification of these jobs is: these women aren't forced to do these jobs. They can quit, they can find another job, etc.

The article focused on the restaurant Hooters a lot. Hooters is a prime example of sexual labor. It is a restaurant who's reputation and very name rely on the sexualization of women. Our professor had a copy of the employment contract that girls must sign before they begin waitressing. One clause stated the "appropriate" job duties of Hooters girls and listed things like "entertain, flirt," it also said to expect things like- being groped, winked at, leered at, propositioned, and have comments made. Girls must agree that they are okay with this kind of thing happening.
I mean just wrap your mind around this- girls must sign an agreement, accepting things that in any other workplace would simply not be tolerated.

Our professor then asked if those requirements they agree to are demeaning and degrading. I was happy when the cute kid with the South African accent said they are definitely demeaning and degrading. Still though, the professor played devil's advocate.

WHY are comments made about your body degrading? He asked.
We answered that our worth shouldn't come from our bodies--at least not in a sexual way (athletes, dancers get their worth from their bodies) our worth should come from our intelligence and personality, etc.

Another girl awesomely pointed out that men don't just make those comments at Hooters--those comments make their way out into the streets and women who don't sign on to be treated that way STILL get treated that way.
I can totally vouch for this. Every year on our way to Tablerock Lake, we stop in Kansas City. After dinner, all of us high school/college girls walk over to wal mart. On our way, every time, there are cars that honk and guys who roll down their windows and shout obscene sexual remarks at my friends/sisters.

Ultimately, allowing those restaurants to exist, allowing that behavior to be okay--that allows women to be disrespected. It allows women to become objectified, and objectification of women leads to violence of women (a main theme in my series.)

NO JOB should have these conditions.

Another question was raised. Our professor asked a guy in class--"If we went out to dinner, and you don't know the woman working at Hooters, she's just your hot waitress, then would you have a problem if I said 'hey dude she's got nice....[fill in the blank]s" and the guy was like "nah, it's your opinion."
then our professor said "well what if I said to you, 'dude, I saw your sister working at Hooters last night...you wouldn't believe the ass on her...' then what would you say?"
the guy said "I wouldn't say anything--I'd punch your lights out."

WHY do men subscribe to the commodification of women when they would never be okay with their sisters/moms/wives being looked at like that? Does personalization matter?

It shouldn't! You may not know that waitress but she is a PERSON. She's someone else's sister or mom or girlfriend.

What messages are sent to women when we have sexual labor? What messages are sent you young girls? To men? To young boys?

Going back to the justification--they don't HAVE to do this job. Okay fine. But look at it for a second.
Women are pressured by the media to be sexual.
Right now especially, jobs are limited. Chilis isn't going to pay what Hooters pays. If you have a kid who needs to eat, don't you want to make more money as a waitress?

So is sexual labor REALLY voluntary?

(Spoiler for my books: the answer is NO.)

Religion has had its own way of degrading women, just in a different way. We see it in Islamic cultures, we see it in Christianity today--how women can't be deacons of a church (even though Phoebe in the bible was a deacon)
This is why I am so crazy about Jesus. When the people around that time saw women as second-class citizens, Jesus rocked that norm with a few simple encounters. Jesus was truly epic in his respect and love for women.

If we as a society become desensitized toward the sexual exploitation of women, who knows how low the worth of women will sink.

All I can say is, I'm praying for those of you with little girls.

STOKED

So today I babysat for my parents' friend Lindsay. He has twin 5 month olds, a boy and girl. We've known Lindsay for a long time. He's just a brilliant man. He's rich and has so many connections. ha. He's been to 100 countries, he's deeply intellectual and theological, but also just so cool to hang out with. His wife was out and he and I took care of the babies today.

We started talking about my wanting to write novels one day. He asked how good I was at writing and I told him I'm pretty good--as far as technicality and creativity both go. He then told me that he has a book proposal/story idea.

In a nutshell, he has this really good, well-planned out storyline/character, but he doesn't really write. So he wants ME to write it for him!
He has publishing connections, so he can get it published when/if I write it.

He said worst case scenario--the publishers reject it, but he'll pay me 2 grand.
Best case scenario--in one year, we'll sign a contract for a million dollars and split the profits. He said he will use some of those profits to take me to any country I want to with one person (I'll probably pick my mom, sorry guys)

He then showed me his library....it looked like Heaven (to me.) He has the library of a genius. No joke. He has books that no one else has. Everything from Hebrew bibles, to an original robe from the Ming Dynasty, the to a 16th century copy of the Koran, to Native American readings and even an original scroll from the Renaissance of the book of Esther! I was seriously in awe.

His library/experiences are going to guide the novel.

So I'm beyond stoked. He's scanning his blueprint and e mailing it to me and then we're going to play it by ear. The plan is to have it done in a year!

I'll have to keep you all updated....but for now it's pretty top secret. ;)

Joy, I thought you'd appreciate this one.

So in my political science class there's this guy who is a cowboy. Or...thinks he is. I dunno.
He has the hat, the tight pants with the huge belt buckle, the boots, the accent, etc.
However, he is not a hot cowboy. He's like the cowboy in the movies that hot cowboys tie up and shoot.

I thought he'd be from Texas but he said he's from southern Missouri near the Arkansas border. That's near Tablerock lake so I can vouch for that--it is HICKTOWN USA.

So today we talked about seperation of church and state and our professor explained that a teacher could never, for example, walk into a public high school classroom and go, "ok everyone let's pray to Jesus before we start class."And we were all like okay. We know this.

Mr. Cowboy, however, had to put in his two cents. (He is always making closed-minded conservative remarks that make the rest of us conservatives look bad)

He says, "Then my high school totally violated the constitution. Cuz every mornin' the whole school, all two hunnerd of us, stood around the flagpole, held hands, and prayed and said the pledge."


---awkward silence----

and the teacher was like "wow..."

and he continues, "that's just all that people know down there. No one thinks anything of it and no one would challenge it. If there was someone who didn't believe it or took a stand, they'd get run outta town with dogs shotguns. That's my hometown."


And then I whisper, "Is dancing outlawed there too?"

And the (hot) late 20's guy who sits in front of me burst out laughing. I was glad he understood the reference.

Speaking of Kevin Bacon, (if I had a nickel for every time I said that one) I hear they're making a new footloose--starring Zac Efron??

Say it isn't so... :(

I am, however, STOKED too see Seventeen Again. Don't judge me.

Just..."ME" lately.

-If one more person pronounces supposedly like “supposebly” I am just gonna snap

-Why anyone would want their love life displayed on national television is beyond me

-However, I did nominate Jessie for the next bachelorette ;)

-To the kid in my ethics class during our discussion on abortion: bringing up how your dog & your girlfriend’s dog got together and got pregnant, then confessing that you and your girlfriend performed a puppy abortion is not only too much information, but entirely irrelevant and psycho!

-I like to walk through the city while listening to “Only Time” by Enya and “Vindicated” by Dashboard Confessional because it makes me feel like I’m an angel and no one can see me.

-If I ever have boy and girl twins, I want to name them Epic and Enya. ;)

-I’ve decided that math is a woman. Because it comes off as organized and absolute, but in reality is conniving and backstabbing. Just when you think you understand it, something changes. It gets away with breaking rules.

And then I think English is a man. Because you expect it to break rules, and you’re okay with it. It’s romantic and objective and frustrating yet brilliant. Once you understand it, you never stop loving where it goes. What it lacks in organization it makes up for in versatility.

So I guess that means I’m not a lesbian. Good deal.

-On the light rail, I often look at the other people on the train imagine what would happen if the train crashed and we all ended up in a deserted place. I observe each person and decide things like- who would take leadership roles, who would be a jerk, who would fall in love, etc.

-So I guess Chris Brown wrote Rihanna’s song “Disturbia,” which is kind of ironic and makes me think “FORE-SHADOWING!!!”

-Bigger or Better is the world’s best game.

-I find it hard to read The Onion in public because I always laugh out loud. Emphasis on LOUD.

-Today in English, my professor said, “Wow, didn’t I do good?” And I said “Technically, you did well.” She glared at me. : ( But the class giggled.

-Mr. Walsh got reinstated!!!!

-I am so excited for spring break ! Text for details. ;)